Welcoming Newcomers by Resolving Conflict within the Church

Instructor’s Guide

Evangelism Resources
USA/Canada Mission/Evangelism Department
International Church of the Nazarene
© 2001 Evangelism Resources
USA/Canada Mission/Evangelism Department
International Church of the Nazarene

All Rights Reserved

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

Director of Course Development Dr. Lyle Pointer

Author of Module Rev. Scott Rainey

Curriculum Developer Rev. Scott Rainey

Permission is granted to copy this material for local church training. No part of this material may be copied, photocopied, or reproduced in any form for the purposes of sale.

I. Introduction.

Open with these two humorous stories of rising conflict and the best method of dealing with the conflict of others.

French novelist and playwright Alexander Dumas once had a heated quarrel with a rising young politician. The argument became so intense that a duel was inevitable. Since both men were superb shots they decided to draw lots, the loser agreeing to shoot himself. Dumas lost. Pistol in hand, he withdrew in silent dignity to another room, closing the door behind him. The rest of the company waited in gloomy suspense for the shot that would end his career. It rang out at last. His friends ran to the door, opened it, and found Dumas, smoking revolver in hand. "Gentlemen, a most regrettable thing has happened," he announced. "I missed."

Two men who lived in a small village got into a terrible dispute that they could not resolve. So they decided to talk to the town lawyer. The first man went to the lawyer's home and told his version of what happened. When he finished, the lawyer said, "You're absolutely right." The next night, the second man called on the lawyer and told his side of the story. The lawyer responded, "You're absolutely right." Afterward, the lawyer's wife scolded her husband. "Those men told you two different stories and you told them they were absolutely right. That's impossible -- they can't both be absolutely right." The lawyer turned to his wife and said, "You're absolutely right."

While both parties were not absolutely right in the disagreement, one thing is absolutely right, we will face conflict in life.

There are many biblical examples of conflict:
• Between Jesus and the Pharisees over healing on the Sabbath, the role of the Messiah, and the paying of taxes.
• Between Jewish and Gentile Christians over whether the Gentile Christians first needed to become Jews before they became Christians.
• Between Jewish and Gentile widows within the church about overlooking of the Gentile widows in the daily distribution of food.

There are also many historical examples of conflict within the church:
• The Protestant Reformation was born out of conflict.
• The Methodist Church was started out of conflict with the Anglican Church.
• In fact, one might say that the Church of the Nazarene was born out of conflict with the lack of passion in the existing Wesleyan churches to preach holiness.
The purpose of this module is to help us use conflict to build the church rather than destroy the church.

The objectives of this module are:
• To identify the healthy aspects of conflict.
• To identify the causes of conflict.
• To remove our fear of conflict.
• To learn how to use conflict to grow our church.

II. Lesson.

A. We need to develop a healthy view of conflict.
1. Conflict is normal and may even be healthy among God’s people.
2. Conflict grounded in principles, rather than personalities, promotes trust and good will.
3. Conflict can create solutions and advance ministry.
4. Conflict often demonstrates the importance that is placed on a relationship.

Illustration:

Pam confessed to her pastor that she made a habit of badgering her husband to get his attention. Each night he would get home after a ten-hour day at work and sit in front of television. Pam simply wanted his attention and longed to have him talk lovingly to her. While she realized how childish her behavior had been, she commented, “All I want him to do is say that he loves me.”

5. Conflict begins with the emotions.
6. The more often healthy conflict arises the better it is.
• We don’t want conflict about past issues to continually come up.
• We do want to avoid holding in anger to the point that we explode with rage.
7. When conflict is addressed, churches tend to grow.

Acts 8:1-4
And Saul was there, giving approval to his death. On that day a great persecution broke out against the church at Jerusalem, and all except the apostles were scattered throughout Judea and Samaria. Godly men buried Stephen and mourned deeply for him. But Saul began to destroy the church. Going from house to house, he dragged off men and women and put them in prison. Those who had been scattered preached the word wherever they went.

a. Persecution in the church was an obvious form a conflict for early Christians.
b. The scattered Christians used the conflict to spread the Gospel.
c. Historically, persecution has led the church to growth.

B. There are many causes of conflict within the church.

1. Resistance to change causes conflict.

John 7:23
Now if a child can be circumcised on the Sabbath so that the law of Moses may not be broken, why are you angry with me for healing the whole man on the Sabbath?

a. Jesus’ healing a man on the Sabbath caused conflict.
b. The Pharisees taught that healing was work and should not be done on the Sabbath.
c. Jesus’ teaching called for a change that the Pharisees were unwilling to make.

2. Church growth often causes conflict.
• Conflict is born in relationships so, new people usually bring conflict.
3. Conflict within a person (intrapersonal conflict) will always lead to interpersonal conflict.
4. Anger causes conflict.
a. Many people suppress their feelings of anger until they explode with rage.
b. We must identify the causes of our anger and deal with the root of the problem.
c. There are many possible causes of anger
i. Frustration
ii. Unrealistic understanding of oneself
iii. An unwillingness to allow others to question one’s decision making.
iv. A love deficiency.
5. Substantive issues within the Church cause conflict
a. Cultural Issues
b. Regional Differences
c. Age Differences
d. Goal Differences

C. It is possible to use conflict to our advantage while witnessing.

Matthew 23:25-26

Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You clean the outside of the cup and dish, but inside they are full of greed and self-indulgence. Blind Pharisee! First clean the inside of the cup and dish, and then the outside also will be clean.

• The Pharisees were more interested in how they looked spiritually to others than how their heart was before God.
• Jesus addresses them directly.
• His directness brings conflict.
• Jesus used this honest approach in his style of proclaiming the Good News of the kingdom’s arrival.

1. We might call this type of witnessing confrontational Evangelism.
a. It is straight talk about God and morality.
b. Confrontation does not mean verbally slapping someone.
c. Confrontation evangelism can be done compassionately.

2. The guilt response is evidence of conflict in witnessing.
a. Witnessing will often produce a guilt response from the prospect.
b. Conviction scares people.
c. We must understand that guilt is God’s Spirit convincing the human spirit of the wrongness of sin.

3. There are a number of reasons why a person should not procrastinate their decision to follow Christ.
a. It is never easier to make a decision for Christ than right now.
b. Life only becomes more complex.
c. Sin’s grasp on someone only gets stronger.
d. Now is the only time you know for certain to have.

(While the witness should be careful not to create a response from the prospect based on fear, an honest look at these issues is warranted.)

4. Creating conflict by using questions can be helpful when working with backsliders.
a. Why did you lose out spiritually?
b. Would you like to come back to God?
c. What keeps you from returning to the Lord?
d. How can I help you in this journey back to God?

D. We should spend some time exposing unhealthy conflict. Conflict is unhealthy where…
1. Sin is involved.
2. The conflict is left unresolved.
3. There are unrealistic expectations.
4. Scriptural instruction is not used to resolve the conflict.
5. Individuals internalized their anger.
6. Christians spend their time and energies judging other Christians

E. We must work to calm conflict within the Church, not eliminate it.

1. Assumptions about conflict that need to be set forth in order to begin resolution.
a. Each person or group in the conflict sees only part of the picture.
b. Both parties want the best for the church.
c. No single answer exists to solve the problem.

2. Ground rules for conflict resolution
a. Each side must agree to try to solve the problems.
b. Both sides must see that feelings are facts.
c. The process by which problems are to be solved should be agreed on.
d. There must be an agreement on the content of the discussion.

Illustration:

A pastor became a mediator in a family squabble that had spanned 20 years. Before the conflict resolution process began, the pastor had both groups admit that they wanted the conflict to stop. Rules were established as to how both sides would conduct their lives. They both agreed that they would stop sending messengers and talk directly to one another. Conflict immediately began to subside.

3. Strategies for conflict resolution
a. Set goals
b. Clarify what the root of the problem is.
c. Implement a decision-making process.
i. Deal with the facts.
ii. Deal with perceptions of the facts.
iii. Determine the person or persons who own the problem.
iv. Evaluate the situation and information with objectivity.
v. Act on the best possible situation. The perfect will never come.
vi. Review in the middle of the process.
vii. Give and receive feedback through the process.
viii. Modify plans when necessary.
d. Agree on the length of time to be given to problem-solving.
4. Four steps in calming the conflict within the church
a. State the problem.
b. Encourage each party to articulate the other party’s point of view.
c. Once feelings are understood, begin to encourage forgiveness.
d. Search for positive solutions.

F. Use conflict to build the church.
1. Conflict should ignite the creative fires within us.
2. We must look at conflict as an opportunity for growth.
3. Reconciliation from conflict promotes unity.

Matthew 5:23-26

Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift. Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court. Do it while you are still with him on the way, or he may hand you over to the judge, and the judge may hand you over to the officer, and you may be thrown into prison. I tell you the truth, you will not get out until you have paid the last penny.

a. Conflict resolution has priority over worship.
b. Reconciliation is as important as going to the altar.
c. We must act to begin resolution.
d. Settle the matter immediately when able.
e. The longer conflict goes unresolved, the less likely justice will prevail.

III. Small Group Work.

Break the group into smaller groups of four or five and ask the following questions.

1. How does open conflict make you feel?
2. Finish this sentence: the thought of confronting sin makes me feel…
3. What are areas of conflict within our church?
4. Which of these are healthy and which are unhealthy?
5. What are some possible ways that the unhealthy conflicts can be resolved?

IV. Module Wrap-Up.

This section provides an opportunity to close the module.

• Ask participants from each small group to share the findings from their discussions.
• Encourage the participants to continue to dialogue about these important issues of resolving conflict.
• Answer any questions and provide encouragement.